


A Falling Star, Least I Fall Alone

by lucernis



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (and he doesn’t mean to be either), (but they don’t mean to be), (hence both tags being used), (i play fast and loose with the concept of magic in the imagination), (light sides included. they are just. Bad At Listening.), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Is A Bit Of An Asshole Too, Arguing, Deceit | Janus Sanders Is A Bit Of An Asshole, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings of anger at being ignored/disregarded, Hurt/Comfort, Nonbinary Deceit | Janus Sanders, Other, Songfic, Swearing, Why Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Left The Dark Sides, i cannot stress enough how not unsympathetic everyone here is, inspired by a song on virgil’s playlist, let me know if I missed a tag, so read it however you please, the anxceit could be either platonic or romantic bc the author Cannot make decisions, they all just make mistakes and learn from them and are kinda assholes in the mean time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:40:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24048334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucernis/pseuds/lucernis
Summary: Virgil wants to be listened to, and he’s finally going to get that chance.Janus had wanted to be listened to, and they regret ever having received that chance. But now? Now, all they want is to stop history from repeating itself.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	A Falling Star, Least I Fall Alone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thesirensong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesirensong/gifts).



> for [@figurative-siren-song](https://figurative-siren-song.tumblr.com/)’s [Thing](https://figurative-siren-song.tumblr.com/post/617298001299488768/me-ill-work-on-the-challenge-monday-when-i-get-my) on tumblr
> 
> warnings in case you missed them in the tags: virgil is a bit of an asshole, janus is also a bit of an asshole, the “light sides” are mentioned and could also also be considered assholes, ( _relatively_ tame) arguments, swearing, feelings of anger at being ignored/disregarded, aaand let me know if i should add anything else 
> 
> and a further explanation of a few Extra Important things: to reiterate One More Time, this is in _no way_ meant to contain unsympathetic deceit or virgil. it may read that way at first since they’re both assholes for a bit, but i can assure you they are _not_ unsympathetic, not even really morally gray. they both just made and make mistakes, and it all works out in the end i promise (the same goes for unsympathetic “light sides.” they just,,, Do Not listen sometimes and it’s very much not intentionally antagonistic).

_Your subtleties, they strangle me_

There’s a darkness in his heart, a feeling he can’t explain, a feeling he’s engulfed in and suffocated with, a feeling that clouds his thoughts and bursts from his chest in an explosion of all-encompassing, utterly overwhelming _fury._

_I can’t explain myself at all_

Virgil can’t see, but he knows exactly where he is. The world would have to end before he were to forget this tower.

_And all the wants and all the needs_

It’s dark, so dark, both inside and out. There’s a storm brewing just past the horizon that blots out the final traces of the sun, plunging the Imagination into complete darkness—save for the occasional bolt of lightning that streaks across the sky.

Virgil finds it beautiful.

_All I don’t want to need at all_

He hums into the silence, allowing the dangerous feeling stirring within him to begin to rise from the pit in his stomach. The clouds swirl ever closer, responding to the pull of Virgil’s bitter anger.

_The walls start breathing, my mind’s unweaving_

Stepping closer to the window, he reaches out a hand to empty air, already feeling the tingle of electricity as though he’d been struck with it. If he hadn’t already been so consumed by his own emotions, they would have been made even more tangible in the sticky, pre-storm air.

 _Good._ This won’t work if he’s not strong enough.

He steps back again, watching patiently as the storm rolls his way, picking up speed as it draws nearer, fed by the sheer power Virgil holds in his chest. Taking a breath, he shuts his eyes, drawing more of that indescribable feeling from the depths of his mind.

_Maybe it’s best you leave me alone_

When he opens them again, the storm is nearly upon him. He smiles, waiting patiently for the last time.

Virgil has been perfect for too long. It’s time that changed.

_A weight is lifted on this evening_

The clouds gather around the tower, swirling around it from the pointed roof to the ground far below. The wind blows in through the window, bone-chillingly cold. Virgil doesn’t shiver though, numb to his surroundings.

Heralded by a deafening clap of thunder, a brilliant bolt of lightning flashes through the clouds hanging low over the roof of the tower.

_I give the final blow_

The world goes white.

_When darkness turns to light_

When the light stops piercing through Virgil’s eyelids, he opens them and looks down at his hands. They don’t _look_ different, and he doesn’t _feel_ different. Had Deceit felt different, or had they truly believed that everything was fine even in the very beginning?

Virgil doesn’t know, and he doesn’t plan to ask either. It’s his turn to be heard.

_It ends tonight, it ends tonight_

* * *

_A falling star, at least I fall alone_

There’s a darkness in their heart, a feeling they can’t explain, a feeling they’re engulfed in and suffocated with, a feeling that clouds their thoughts and bursts from their chest in an explosion of all-encompassing, utterly overwhelming _fury._

_I can’t explain what you can explain_

Janus can’t see. They don’t know where they are, they don’t know what drew them here, and they don’t know what they’re doing. All they know is that the sun is setting, and that feels _right._ The darkness—and the surge of _something_ that comes with it—feels so, so _right._

_You’re finding things that you didn’t know_

The sun dips lower, the darkness grows more absolute. If they squint, Janus can just make out the silhouette of a castle, backed by the final rays of daylight.

 _This must be the Imagination then,_ they think.

Janus tilts their head curiously, wondering why the Imagination had tugged so powerfully at their heart.

Whatever the reason though, they’re glad for it. There’s now a feeling in their chest that they never want to let go of—a feeling of warmth, of strength, of climbing to the top of a mountain alone and seeing the whole world at the bottom.

That feeling, combined with the way the fading sunlight leaves behind a land of darkness, is utterly and completely beautiful.

_I look at you with such disdain_

Janus watches silently as day finally gives way to night, not a single drop of sunlight left behind as the new moon takes over the sky.

_The walls start breathing, my mind’s unweaving_

There’s not a sound left in the tower Janus is standing in, and the silence is almost deafening in its pervasiveness.

Left with only their thoughts to occupy them, Janus’s mind drifts far, far from the tower—back to the ground, away from the Imagination, into a moment in time from earlier that day.

_Maybe it’s best you leave me alone_

And it’s all they can do to keep from screaming at the memory. It’s all they can do to tamp down the fire rising in their chest at the reminder that no one ever _listens,_ that no one ever will.

Not unless _something_ changes.

And something is going to change tonight. Janus can feel it. There’s a vibration that’s traveling through the air in time with the beating of their heart, and that _means_ something.

They walk towards the window.

_A weight is lifted on this evening_

There’s a star falling from the heavens, and it’s shooting towards them. As it nears, the vibrations in the air grow louder, more rapid, more intense, and Janus can all but see the feelings of hate and frustration and inadequacy and _pain_ flowing from them with each beat of their heart.

The star is moments away from colliding with Janus and the tower they’re in when they close their eyes, trusting that whatever’s happening now will be a catalyst for the _something_ that’s going to change.

_I give the final blow_

The world goes white.

_When darkness turns to light_

Once the light seems to have faded enough, Janus opens their eyes one at a time to find that… _nothing_ has changed. The tower is still as dark as it was before, the world outside of it just as empty.

_It ends tonight, it ends tonight_

They don’t feel any different, either. There’s no emotion gained, nothing missing, nothing that’s dislodged from where it’s buried in their heart.

_Just a little insight won’t make this right_

The only thing they know is that somehow, someway, it’s their turn to be listened to now. They _will_ be heard.

_It’s too late to fight, it ends tonight, it ends tonight_

* * *

_Now I’m on my own side_

“Virgil.”

Virgil blinks, turning in search of the voice. “Janus?” There’s something strange in his own voice, a deep note of fierceness and strength held in it. It feels powerful, and Virgil wonders if this is what Janus had felt all those years ago.

“I’m down here,” Janus calls, words almost lost to the storm.

“And what are you doing down there?” Virgil asks. He peers out of the window, elbows set on the ledge, chin resting in his hands.

“I came to find you.”

“You did?”

“I did, because I thought to myself, Virgil, that you couldn’t _possibly_ be so stupid as to make the same mistakes I did. And yet,” they gesture to the tower before them, “here we are.”

Virgil straightens up, expression hardening. “That’s where you’re wrong, Deceit. I’m not making the same mistakes you did because _I know where you failed._ ”

“And where is that, now?” Even this far away, Virgil can see their scornfully raised eyebrow.

He grins, all teeth and no warmth. Spinning on his heel, Virgil shuts his eyes and when they open, he’s standing in front of Deceit. _Oh, he could get used to this._

“Well, you see,” Virgil says, “you gave up the power you gained in this tower because you were afraid of losing what you had and I, so very much unlike you, have nothing to lose.”

“That’s not true at all,” Deceit says, blinking in confusion.

“Isn’t it?”

“No, it’s truly not. You have Thomas—”

“The only thing I do for him is offer a sprinkling of useless protection, and even that he barely listens to. I’m tired of every worry I express being dismissed as an overreaction even when many of them so clearly _aren’t._ ”

“—and the Light Sides—”

“Do you really think they care about me? All I’m good for in their eyes is doing my job, and even _that_ only grants me shaky appreciation at best. Despite what they may say, I’m still the villain in their eyes and if I ever show so much as a hint of imperfection, they’ll never forgive me. You have no idea what they think.”

“—but you’re right. I can’t speak for them. The only person I can speak for is myself, and you’ll _always_ have me.”

* * *

_It’s better than being on your side_

“Janus?”

Janus blinks, searching for the source of the voice that had just spoken. “Virgil?” There’s something strange in their own voice, a certain smoothness and strength to it. It feels powerful, and Janus wonders if this is what that star had changed.

“I’m down here,” he says, and Janus makes their way to the window, peering out at their friend standing so far beneath them. “What is this place?” Virgil asks, squinting up at them.

“I’m not sure.” They wave their hand, and their surroundings shift from the inside of a stone tower to the open field outside of it. “Why are you here?”

“I could ask you the same question.” Virgil lets out a shaky laugh, clearly trying to mask his panic about _something._

“Whatever’s the matter, dear?”

“Something feels wrong.”

Janus frowns. “Can you be more specific?”

“It’s just… not right. Off-balance? Does that make sense?”

“Not really, no.”

“Well, I think that’s what drew me here, that unbalanced feeling. It’s—” he shakes his head. “Did you do something?”

“ _I_ didn’t.”

“Did someone else, then? What happened?”

“I’m not entirely sure. I woke up in the tower, almost as if I’d walked there in a trance, and then a star fell from the sky.”

“A— sorry, _what?_ ”

“A star. A star fell from the sky.”

“No, no I heard what you said. I just didn’t think— did you mean literally?”

“I did, in fact.”

“What did it… do? The star?”

“It hit me.”

_“It WHAT?”_

“Not violently or with any particular malice, it just… flashed through the sky, through the window of the tower, then its light collided with me.”

Virgil blinks, a look of extraordinary confusion on his face. “You sound different. Is it just me or do you sound different?” he asks, dodging around the subject they’d been previously discussing.

“Hm, do you think so?”

“…Yes. That’s— that’s why I said it.”

“My voice _does_ feel a bit… smoother than normal.”

“It’s not just that. I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something else. It’s also more…”

“Powerful?” Janus suggests.

Virgil looks at them strangely. “…Yeah. Exactly that.”

“Interesting. It _feels_ more powerful too.” 

“Why? What did that star do?”

“Virgil, I told you, I don’t know what really happened—”

“Bullshit. I think you do.”

Janus sighs. “I _am_ telling you the truth.”

“Really.” Virgil raises an eyebrow, a perfect portrait of skepticism.

“Yes, really.”

“Then take a wild fucking guess. You may not know what _really_ happened, but I’m one _thousand_ percent sure you have at least some idea.”

With another sigh, Janus says, “I felt… ignored today. Disregarded.”

“What does _that_ have to do with anything?” Virgil’s voice is sharp, and if Janus didn’t know better, they’d think he was angry. 

They do know better though, and they know that voice means that Virgil is afraid. So very, very afraid.

So when Janus replies, “I’m getting there,” they do their very best to keep their voice soft. “That’s not the first time I’d felt like my words went unheeded, of course, but this time on top of my annoyance, I felt this… bitterness. Anger, almost, but more than that— it was also a desperate need to be heard. Then I woke up here, completely clueless as to what happened until I thought about that conversation again. When that need to be heard took over again— _that’s_ when the star struck me.”

“So…?”

“So I think the star is giving me a chance to be heard.”

“…Right.”

“You’re the one who asked, Virgil.”

“D’you really think the Light Sides are going to listen to you just because your voice sounds different?”

“It’s more than just that, I think.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m not sure, not yet, but I _know_ they’re going to listen to me once I figure it out.”

“You don’t need their approval, you know.”

“This isn’t for _them,_ it’s for Thomas. _He’s_ the one that needs to listen to me, and he needs to listen because I’m _right._ When he doesn’t, he gets hurt. I don’t want that for him.” Janus’s voice changes even more as they say that, turning from merely smooth to pure silk, a cloying charm to their words.

“What— what’s going on?”

“Whatever do you mean?”

“Your voice, it— it feels wrong. It’s too—” Anxiety screws up his face in what looks almost like disgust and shakes his head. “It makes you sound like… not yourself. You’re scaring me.”

“I assure you, darling, I’m still _perfectly_ myself. There’s no need to be afraid.”

“I know, but— look, I know that you’re not going to do anything to hurt me and that I have no reason to be anxious about this, but _something_ still feels wrong and I don’t want it to be you but I think it might be and I don’t want to lose you but you’re changing and something’s so very not right and—”

“Shh, it’s alright.” Janus keeps their voice low and steady, stepping closer to Anxiety. “Can I touch you?” 

At his nod, they step closer and brush a lock of hair behind his ear before placing both hands on his shoulders and rubbing their thumbs back and forth in a soothing motion. “Calm down, Virgil. I’m not going anywhere.” Janus’s words cause the tension to immediately drain from Virgil’s whole body, leaving him relaxed in a way he so rarely is.

“I know.”

“Good.” Janus’s hands drop from Anxiety’s newly loosened shoulders, one drifting towards his face and the other falling away entirely. “I promise,” they whisper, drawing Anxiety’s head towards their own and resting his forehead against theirs, “you’ll _always_ have me.”

* * *

_It’s my fault when you’re blind_

“No, I won’t. You’ve proved that to me.”

“I— no. That was—”

“A mistake?”

“Yes.”

“Pretty fucking terrible mistake, then.”

“I’m aware, Virgil.”

“So how am I supposed to know history won’t repeat itself?”

“You’ll just have to trust me, I suppose.”

“Fat chance.”

“Virgil, believe me when I tell you that this is a terrible decision that you’re about to make. If you let go, I _promise_ everything will feel right again.”

“Did it feel right for you?”

“Not at first, but—”

“Yeah, see, that does the opposite of convince me.”

“—but that was because I’d just lost you. And I don’t _ever_ want that to happen again.”

* * *

_It’s better that I see it through your eyes_

“What happened today?”

“Whatever do you mean?”

“You’ve been gone since before I woke up and Thomas’s anxiety is _through the roof._ What did you _do?_ ”

“Nothing at all, my dear Virgil. I simply illustrated to Thomas that he has a greater capacity for lying than he may be willing to admit.”

“You’re hurting him, Janus.”

“I’m _helping_ him.”

“He can’t _only_ listen to you, that’s… that’s not healthy. If he only ever heard what you wanted him to—”

“He’d be better off. My one aim is to protect him, and I’m the only one who seems to be capable of doing just that.”

“What about me?”

“What _about_ you?”

“I protect him too, you know.”

“Sure you do, darling, but you protect him by scaring him. _I_ protect him by allowing him to put himself first, to do things he’d otherwise be convinced to _not_ do—to _never_ do—by the Light Sides.”

“He doesn’t do those things for a reason though!”

“Not a very good one, last I checked.”

“No, it definitely _is._ He can’t just—” Anxiety pauses to take a breath. “You know what, that doesn’t matter right now. My point is: you can’t be the only one who holds sway over Thomas and his choices.”

“I’m afraid I can, actually. That’s the whole _point_ of this newfound power I’ve been granted.”

“Then give it up.”

“And what, go back to being ignored when Thomas _needs me?_ Now, why would I do that?”

“I— I don’t know. But you’re… _different_ now. You aren’t Janus anymore.”

“Don’t be silly, of _course_ I’m still Janus. What is that even supposed to _mean?_ ”

“Like… you are Janus, but you’re not the Janus _I_ know. You’re… different, and I don’t like it.”

“Oh _dear,_ I’m so very sorry that I can’t cater to your every desire, Anxiety.”

“Stop. Whatever that was… stop it.”

“I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about. This is _me,_ whether you like it or not.”

“Then I’m leaving.”

“Sorry— What? Oh, absolutely not, darling. You can’t do that.”

“I can, actually, and I will. Take all the control you want, but I want nothing to do with you.”

“Fine.”

“Fine? I thought I’d ‘always have you,’ or was that complete bullshit made up just to placate me? So you could use me as a stepping stone? Did you just want someone you could pretend to be friends with until you got what you wanted?”

“Maybe I did.”

“You’re a fucking asshole, Janus.”

“How very sweet of you to think so.”

“You’ll come back to your senses one day. You have to. And when you do, you’re going to regret this with your entire being. I _know_ you really did love me before you got all… like this. You’re making a mistake.”

“On the contrary, I think losing you will be the best thing to ever happen to me.”

“And I know it will be the worst.”

* * *

_All these thoughts locked inside_

“You sure aren’t doing a great job of _showing_ that.”

“Believe me, I’m trying.”

“What if that’s not good enough?”

“Then… it isn’t. No matter how many times I tell you I regret the decision I made more than anything I’ve ever done in my life, I can’t— I can’t _make_ you do anything. But Virgil, I just— just—”

“You just what?”

“I miss you.”

* * *

_Now you’re the first to know_

There’s a darkness lifting from their heart, a feeling they can’t explain, a feeling that’s falling away, fading into nothing at all, allowing them to breathe, breathe, _breathe._

Janus can breathe. Thank _god,_ they can breathe.

But at what cost will they continue to breathe freely? What pain will each rise and fall of their chest bring as they remember what they did, what they said, how they failed, who they hurt—

Virgil. 

They need to find Virgil. They _need_ to get Virgil back. They can’t lose him, and they’d made a promise to him, a promise that they had broken, a promise that’s now been cracked in so many places and shattered into so many pieces. No matter what the cost, they have to mend it.

They still know the way to Virgil’s room, of course they do. Everything else may be twisted and wrong, but this, at least, is right. Janus knocks on his door. “Virgil?”

It’s thrown open. “Janus?” Virgil stands there, staring. “The fuck are you doing here?”

“I came to—”

“Fucking _what,_ apologize? I think it’s _just_ a bit late for that, don’t you?”

“I—”

“Yeah, I think so too.”

“Virgil—”

“No. You don’t get closure. You don’t get a happy ending. Were you hoping for even more than that? Did you want forgiveness? Love, even? Well, whatever it is, I don’t care. And whatever it is, _you don’t get it._ I warned you that you were fucking up, but did you listen? No. So why should _I_ listen to _you_ now?”

“I miss you.”

“That’s rich,” Virgil says. The door slams in Janus’s face.

Janus rests their head against the slammed door, eyes shut as though that will block out the memory of their mistakes. They take a deep breath, and it takes everything in them to stop the tears from falling.

Virgil had been right. He’d been right from the very beginning. Losing Virgil is so, so far from ‘the best thing to ever happen to them,’ and reminding themself of this only serves to make their heart ache even more. 

“I miss you.” Janus whispers the words to Virgil, to the universe, to anyone who will listen, but the only response they’re given is silence. There’s no one left for them at all.

* * *

_When darkness turns to light_

“I miss you,” Deceit repeats, and Virgil remembers.

_It ends tonight, it ends tonight_

He remembers everything.

The fear he’d felt upon hearing the cold purr in Deceit’s voice that first day.

The horror he’d experienced when he’d found out that Thomas’s sudden spike in anxiety had been because of them.

The anger he’d felt when they’d refused to listen to reason.

And the pain. Most of all, Virgil remembers the pain.

Virgil remembers when he’d first heard that new voice of theirs, when he’d finally accepted that they were changing—for better or for worse, when they’d started to ignore him in favor of focusing every bit of their energy into getting Thomas to do _exactly_ what they wanted and nothing else, never anything else, when they’d started to become cruel, sadistic, apathetic to everything but their own desires, when they’d said losing him would be the best thing that would ever happen to them— 

Every change, every word, every moment he remembers brings on a little bit more heartbreak.

_Just a little insight won’t make this right_

That heartbreak is almost enough to snap him out of his fervor.

Almost.

Despite it all, despite those memories, Virgil still can’t help but want to be heard, to be listened to, to have the _influence_ that Janus had possessed, even if it would only last for the blink of an eye.

He _wants_ that more than anything, and he wants it with all his heart.

But he’s still forgotten something.

_It’s too late to fight, it ends tonight_

“I miss you,” Deceit’s words echo in his mind, and Virgil remembers more.

The fear on Deceit’s face after they’d knocked on his door.

The horror in their voice as they’d slowly realized he wasn’t going to forgive them.

Their anger at _themself_ for fucking up so horribly.

And the pain. Most of all, Virgil remembers their pain.

Virgil remembers when their voice had cracked, just slightly, when they’d looked at him with barely contained tears in their eyes, when they’d clutched at their heart as though it was being ripped in two, when desperation had seeped into every word they spoke— 

Every word, every action, every glare he’d given Deceit—Virgil is consumed by the memory of it all bringing another layer of heartbreak to their features. 

And when they’d said that they had—

Missed him. 

When they’d said that they had missed him, that was the worst of all.

Their face looks exactly the same now as it had then.

_It ends, when darkness turns to light_

Virgil blinks. Blinks again.

There’s a darkness lifting from his heart, a feeling he can’t explain, a feeling that’s falling away, fading into nothing at all, allowing him to breathe, breathe, _breathe._

“De— Janus?”

_It ends tonight, it ends tonight_

“Virgil,” Janus replies, reaching out a hand. “I’m here, right here.”

_Just a little insight won’t make this right_

Virgil grips it like a lifeline. “Thank you.”

_It’s too late to fight, it ends tonight_

“I couldn’t let you make the same mistakes I did. And I— I couldn’t handle even the _thought_ of losing you again.”

“Janus, I—”

“I know. And it’s alright. Everything is alright.”

_It ends tonight_

“I’m sorry.”

“I am too.”

_Tonight_

Virgil lets go of Janus’s hand in favor of wrapping his arms around them. They hold each other tight, years and years of time to make up in this one moment. The seconds tick past as they remember how they’d felt when the world was wrong—when they were wrong, both of them—and they forgive each other.

_When darkness turns to light_

“I missed you,” they say in unison, and the world feels right again.

_It ends tonight_

**Author's Note:**

> *company website voice* comments? questions? cares? concerns? (*me voice* bc i would very much like to hear them ty)
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ratherstareyed) || [tumblr](ratherstarryeyed.tumblr.com) || [tumblr post](https://ratherstarryeyed.tumblr.com/post/617425886753456128/a-falling-star-least-i-fall-alone)


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